William Claude Dunkenfield Said

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W. C. Fields

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields