Front Row

Front Row

do you go to the dungeon
to find out
how to make peace
with your days
in the dungeon;
writing a letter
to you
didn't make me feel
any more peaceful
then how I felt
when we weren't speaking
because I didn't cop
to what I did.

I can't love you
because we're supposed
to have professional boundaries.
I'd like you
to be schooled and in awe
as though you were kissed
by God
full on the lips .

I'm in the front row
the front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you
close up
i'm too tired to recount the
unpleasantries one by one
one minute
I want to banish you
the next I want to be on
a deserted island with you
along with my three favorite cd's
ambivalent yet in your
bed we've yet
to acknowledge
what really happened
slid into the ditch

I have this overwhelming loss
of ambition
we said let's name
thirty good reasons why
we shouldn't be together
I started by saying things like
"you smoke"
"you live in new jersey (too far)"
you started saying things like
"you belong to the world"
all of which
could have been easily
refuted but the conversation
was hypothetical

I am totally short of breath
for you
why can't you shut
your stuff off.....
I'm in the front row
the front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up
and I laughed until my lungs hurt
I love how you bust my chops
you don't always
feel seen
sometimes you feel erasable
unfortunately I cannot reciprocate
in my current state

I think we should be careful
of how much time
we spend together
........for a while
I'm speaking
you know how much you hate
to be interrupted
maybe spend some
time alone
to fill up your proverbial cup
so that it doesn't
always have to be about you

I've been wanting
your undivided attention
I like the fact
that you're nothing like me
are you
not burdened
by the lack of perspective
people have of your charmed life

I'm in the front row the front row with
popcorn I get to see you see you close up you never meant to be
ungrateful nor held up to
be whipped or wept
for certainly not analysed
prodded at more ways than one.

Apparently you've been misrepresented
dealing with the concept
of arrows being
slung towards your outrageous fortune
hey, i'm not mad at you
guardian
i'm mad at myself
for spending so much time
with you and your
jeckyl and hydeness
i'm glad i figuratively
slapped you on the wrist
you laughed a wicked laugh
and said "come here let me clip your wings!"
(i know he's blood
but you can still turn him away you
don't owe him anything)
"raise the roof" he yelled
"yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back.
(unfortunately you needed a health scare
to reprioritize.)
no thanks to the soap box.
having me rile against them
won't make an ounce of difference......

I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn. I get to see
you see you close up
oh the things i've done for you
many a sitch a friend a man's
been left for you
oh the books i've read for you
the tongues i've bitten for you many
a new city for you
many a risk taken for you
(not a single regret)

Alanis Morissette