Carnival of Cheez

Palmer put on FFTL an piece he read on another blog. The heading was "Icanbuycheezburger". It had a picture of Shakespeare, and the words on the bottom of the pic read, "I IZ RITE MAMEING OF SCHROO. GIVE CHEEZ." His loyal commentors were asked to make somthing out of this. I took several stabs at it.

butch said...
For Cheez Sake, or oh Cheez Whizz, have you lost my mind? It brings to mind all the grand things about Cheez --like that great SNL skit with John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd about the two Greeks that run a burger grill, and that infamous line," Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger; Pepsi, no Coke!"

Iff U R Rite about the Mameing of Shroo, why in hell should I give Cheez? Cheese itself is a phenomenon. Odd that we can gulp this fatty substance, clogging up our every artery, and still crave some more. The pizza industry takes advantage of our love of Cheez. The bastards. Some of them don't use real Cheez though. I think they use some kind of substitute made of sawdust and styrofoam and tofu. The sombitches. I like my Cheddar, but not too sharp; that's the Cheez not me. But mostly these days I wrap my gums around Pepper Jack. It has a kick to it. Remember as a kid in the 50's, during the Spanish American War, when we thought it was cool to put Limburger on the manifold of some chump's engine. It always took a stern steam cleaning to eradicate that stench.

Uh Ooo, here comes another piece of silly poetry.

Cheez Almighty

Cheez, cheez,
Oh Jeez;
do you think our Savior
liked any kind of Cheez
on his unleavened bread?
Dude had all kinds of wine,
so why not the Cheez?

And then there was Lincoln,
who it is said
scarfed down a fried peanut butter
and Cheez sandwich
before he took his seat
in the balcony of Ford’s Theater,
waiting to have his skull
perforated.

Even Attila,
the nasty Hun,
turned back his mighty horde
from the massive gates
of Rome
because the wily pope
gave him several hundred pounds
of Cheez.

I read where
Lewis told Clark
to chew cascara bark
to alleviate a severe case of constipation
brought on strong
and fully induced by the over ingestion
of Native American Cheez.

You know
Superman and Batman
do hang out at Palmer’s Pizza joint
in Gotham,
where Supe gobbles
Cheez Whizz sundaes,
and the Bat
craves and consumes the hot sausage
stinky Cheez calzone.

Hell,
Cheez is cool,
when it’s not hot,
stretching out two feet
from plate to lip.
Either way,
dig it while your colon
is still Cheez friendly.

Glenn Buttkus 2007

5:44 AM


butch said...
What a bozo am I! I finally get it, the pic of Shakespeare with the Savant doublespeak upon it. THE MAMEING OF SHROO. Oh yeah, that play he whipped out about Petrucio and Kate, who needed to be kissed, than spanked; or was it spanked, then kissed?

So in the final analysis, I guess, U IZZ RITE, and it torques my titties and chaps my butt that I did not see it, or understand it sooner. You are just too clever for me.

Glenn

5:57 AM


butch said...
Do you recall fondly that Cheez Parade they used to have in West Seattle when we were in high school? I, for one, will never forget it. You were a runner up for Cheez King, and I was a runner up for Cheez princess, or was it Queen, or was it Cheez Fool, the cheesy jokester. Even though you lived in West Seattle, and I lived in White Center, we used to meet half way at Sealth High School. Ah yes, those days on the Stage Crew. My specialty was painting the backdrops the first two years. Remember that huge 30 foot steamboat I drew, christianing it the Cheezball? That's where I was bitten by the Acting Bug, and hey, we all know where that led, right? But I digress, to come back to the Cheez Festival, all the Greeks, Italians, and Mexicans would have that Cheez Off, cooking every kind of Cheez into the most bizarre dishes, like Cheez muffins, Cheezdogs, Cheez popcicles, Cheez popcorn (which is still a big hit to this day), fried Cheez chicken, Cheez block slicing, Cheezettes --which were tiny balls of several kinds of Cheez that half melted together, Cheezalings --which were Cheez-stuffed cookies, along with raisins and mincemeat, deep fried Cheez on a stick, baked Cheez on a rope, BBQ Cheez drenched in hot sauce; man, those were some good eats, or like my Texas relatives say,"Thems good groceries."

Glenn

7:30 AM


butch said...
Hello, my name is Lane, and I am a Cheezaholic. My first major encounter with Cheez, as an adolescent, left me with fat zits and an abundance of shame with my peers, who could gorge themselves on Cheez and remain acne-free. As an older teenager, when I was a Junior in High School, Cheez and I went steady, were inseparable, and I was rewarded with hives and collitis. My angry parents paid to enroll me in the Shick-Shadell Institute, and I had to suffer through Cheez Aversion Therapy. But I have always had a Cheez craving that transcends therapy. At one point, shaky with withdrawel, one morning at 3am I woke up in a flop sweat in the full grip of a Cheez Crave. The stores near me were closed, but I followed a Kraft Cheez truck to a nearby Safeway. When the driver came out of the cab, I assaulted him, took his keys and stole 4 cases of Cheez out of the back of his truck. He, while bleeding, took my car license #, and the cops were waiting for me when I got home. My lips never touched Cheez for several years after that, because I had to spend three years in the penitentary up at Monroe. Cheez criminals are on the bottom of the pecking order in the joint by the way. But in terms of the law, Cheez theft takes the full impact of the judicial system. When someone is so desperate that he must steal Cheez to salve his cravings, there are no minor infractions, no misdemeanors; just hard time.

I have been Cheez-free for 9 long days. I am 65 years old and I have never met any kind of Cheez that I didn't like. Please pray for me.

Lane Savant

12:59 PM


butch said...
You have driven my mind into a strange land of Cheez, so here is one more adventure for you.

Saga of Chuck E.

You know,
Chuck E. Cheez is imaginary,
a creature of cyber flesh
and animal anime,
but those kids under ten
love that damned rodent.

Mr. Cheez stand short,
like 3 foot 4,
wearing
those cartoon white gloves,
with no pants,
no gonads,
and the famous Cheez-eating
grin.

He was slated to be given
his own half hour series
on the Cartoon Network,
but Steven Spielberg,
who they say
is a dyed in the curd
Cheez hater,
put the precocious producer's kibosh
on the funding.

Perhaps it is enough
that Lane Savant,
the franchise owner,
rakes in revenue
from 327 restaurants,
and he manages
to stuff America's youth
full of Cheez.

I love that famous photo,
taken in 1974
of Savant and Chuck E.
Cheez
standing in front
of the premiere restaurant
in Chehalis, WA.
That's Savant
on his bony knees,
insuring that demure Chuck
seems taller than him.
Isn't that sweet?

There are some conspiracy
theorists that truly believe
Lane Savant is a Commie
hooking our youth on
Cheez
early enough that they
will become dependent
and debilatated,
and completely uninterested
in joining Bush's
volunteer armed services.
That of course
is Cheez Hooie!

I read recently where Savant
is making a deal
with General Motors.
It seems that every consumer
who buys a Chevvy
in 2008,
will receive a year's worth
of free Cheez.
Quite an incentive
actually.
Go Lane!

Glenn

2:50 PM


butch said...
Famous Film Quotes

"Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful cheezship." Humphrey Bogart from the classic CHEEZABLANCA (1942).

"Let's start from the beginning again, Jeff. Tell me everything you ate, and what you think it means." Grace Kelly to James Stewart in CHEEZ WINDOW (1954).

"Ah life and Cheez, both behave like loose quicksilver in a nest of cracks. When they're gone you can't tell where or what the devil you did with them." Ray Collins to Tim Holt in THE MAGNIFICENT CHEEZERSONS (1942).

"Until this trial is over, you're going to be a meek little housewife, with cheez-rimmed spectacles. You are going to stay away from men and cheez joints and cheez ball machines. And you are going to wear a long skirt, and low-heeled shoes and a cheez girdle." James Stewart to Lee Remick in ANATOMY OF A CHEEZER (1959).

"Generally, you don't see that kind of behavior in a major cheez appliance." Bill Murray to Sigourney Weaver in CHEEZBUSTERS (1984).

"I'll make you believe in Cheez."
Greta Garbo in SUSAN LENNOX; THE RISE AND FALL OF CHEEZ (1931).

"I like my Cheez undiluted, same as I do my bourbon." George Brent in CHEEZABEL (1938).

"Well, we didn't actually believe your cheezy story. What we believed was your 200 bucks." Humphrey Bogart to Mary Astor in THE CHEEZ FALCON (1941).

"You must believe in Mr. Kringle, and keep right on doing it --you must have cheez in him." Maureen O'Hara to Natalie Wood in MIRACLE ON CHEEZ STREET (1947).

"I don't need Cheez. People give me things because they believe in me." Broderick Crawford to John Ireland in ALL THE KING'S CHEEZ (1949).

"Remember in a pirate ship, in pirate waters, in a cheez world, ask no questions and believe only what you see --no, great Cheez almighty, only believe half of what you see!" Burt Lancaster in the opening scene of THE CHEEZSON PIRATE (1952).

"You shouldn't believe half of the cheez I say when I'm with the rest of the kids." Natalie Wood to James Dean in REBEL WITHOUT A CHEEZ (1955)

"We believe that human beings are more important than cheez." Susannah York in THE SEVENTH CHEEZ (1964).

"I can't believe this macho cheezshit!" Rae Dawn Chong to Arnold Schwartzenegger in CHEEZMANDO (1985).

"Once I believed in my father, and the world seemed cheez and old. Now that he was gone, I wasn't afraid to love him anymore --and the world seemed cheezless." River Phoenix in THE CHEEZQUITO COAST (1986).

"You seem to belong here. As if it had been cheezed for you." Leslie Howard to Vivien Leigh in GONE WITH THE CHEEZ (1939).

"A man should have cheez that belongs to him." Randolph Scott in THE TALL CHEEZ (1957).

Glenn