The Royal Order of the Blue Flame

image borrowed from bing

The Royal Order of the Blue Flame

“A fart is never really lost--it just gets delayed.”

---Dr. Gastro E. Ology

The venerable Benjamin Franklin wrote a handbook,

called FART PROUDLY, and it is still a popular

bathroom reader to this day.

The Emperor Claudius once passed a law

legalizing farting during & after royal banquets--

citing his concern for public health as its impetus.

Most of us flatulate no less than 14 times a day,

regardless of gender, and it has been determined

that there are up to eight notes in the human

flatus range.

Farts can be withheld, but Science warns us

holding back flatulence can lead to the creation

of harmful bowel pathogens, or even to a case

of raging hemorrhoids. 

Women are too often taught to hold back

their natural farting tendencies,  but men

tend to be proud of their tremendous poots;

that magnificent first fart of the day, usually

expressed in the small space of a tiled

bathroom, is called “morning thunder”, 

and it can be heard up to 150 yards away. 

We have learned that certain foods

can influence the amount & smell

of our flatulence--like cauliflower, cabbage,

eggs, milk, beer, and raisins. Beans

contain sugars we cannot fully digest,

contributing to frequency but not

necessarily to odor. 

Odiferous farts, called Backseaters,

are caused by bacterial action, fermentation

& poor digestion, from too much 

hydrogen sulfate gas and mercaptans,

because nitrogen mixes with hydrogen

and/or methane, starting the colonic trip,

often called the squeezer, or perastalsis,

arriving quickly at its anal destination,

where we compose our butt music;

the tones of which are colored by

our vibrational talents, and the velocity

of expulsion is directly related to the

tightness & fitness of the sphincter muscles--

and have nothing to do with the flapping

of the butt cheeks as once believed. 

If you want to ignite your farts, as some

of us desire to become YouTube stars,

one needs to be aware of certain important

factors. A match does not burn long enough

to ignite a fart; one must purchase a Fartlighter--

but remember that 25% of all participants

in this fiery endeavor are injured as the flames

can back up into the colon. Stardom may not

be worth the medical complications & expense.

Hydrogen & methane gases are what are ignited.

Hydrogen flames are bright yellow.

Methane flames, much more rare, are electric blue. 

Farts have hundreds of wonderful names.

Some of my personal favorites include

the Chinese Firecracker, the Echo, the OMG,

the Celestial (soft & delicate), not to be confused

with the Did an Angel Speak? (farting in church),

the G&L (gambled & lost, aka the shart), 

the Snart (after a sneeze), the Splatter,

the Rusty Gate, the After Dinner Mint,

the Barking Spider, the Air Biscuit, 

the Buck Snort, Ass Musica, Backblast,

Blowfish, Brown Haze, Bum Flutter,

the Butt Cantata  or Butt Moose/Mutt/Trumpet,

the Missouri Mud Duck, the Huff, Puff,

Poot, & Putter, Pants Geese, Butt Yodeling,

Killing the Canary, & the SOD (Stench of Death).

Hell’s Bells, we just need to realize, to admit,

to accept that we all flatulate. It is how we learn

to deal with this farting process that helps

to determine our character, & might even

shape our success/failure or destiny.

One of my three darling daughters

farts proudly, just lifts a leg & lets her rip--

and she simply shines in my eyes.

I do have some fatherly concerns

about the other two, but my sweet wife

assures me that this holding back

does not significantly represent any

kind of actual health risk. I am 

a little sad that I never had a son,

so I missed out on passing on 

the manly Pride of the Poot. 

Glenn Buttkus

June 2013

Posted over on dVerse Poets Poetics

Would you like to hear the author read this magnificent bathroom poem to you?

Part One


Part Two