Saturday, June 1, 2013

The Royal Order of the Blue Flame

image borrowed from bing

The Royal Order of the Blue Flame

“A fart is never really lost--it just gets delayed.”
---Dr. Gastro E. Ology

The venerable Benjamin Franklin wrote a handbook,
called FART PROUDLY, and it is still a popular
bathroom reader to this day.

The Emperor Claudius once passed a law
legalizing farting during & after royal banquets--
citing his concern for public health as its impetus.

Most of us flatulate no less than 14 times a day,
regardless of gender, and it has been determined
that there are up to eight notes in the human
flatus range.

Farts can be withheld, but Science warns us
holding back flatulence can lead to the creation
of harmful bowel pathogens, or even to a case
of raging hemorrhoids. 

Women are too often taught to hold back
their natural farting tendencies,  but men
tend to be proud of their tremendous poots;
that magnificent first fart of the day, usually
expressed in the small space of a tiled
bathroom, is called “morning thunder”, 
and it can be heard up to 150 yards away. 

We have learned that certain foods
can influence the amount & smell
of our flatulence--like cauliflower, cabbage,
eggs, milk, beer, and raisins. Beans
contain sugars we cannot fully digest,
contributing to frequency but not
necessarily to odor. 

Odiferous farts, called Backseaters,
are caused by bacterial action, fermentation
& poor digestion, from too much 
hydrogen sulfate gas and mercaptans,
because nitrogen mixes with hydrogen
and/or methane, starting the colonic trip,
often called the squeezer, or perastalsis,
arriving quickly at its anal destination,
where we compose our butt music;
the tones of which are colored by
our vibrational talents, and the velocity
of expulsion is directly related to the
tightness & fitness of the sphincter muscles--
and have nothing to do with the flapping
of the butt cheeks as once believed. 

If you want to ignite your farts, as some
of us desire to become YouTube stars,
one needs to be aware of certain important
factors. A match does not burn long enough
to ignite a fart; one must purchase a Fartlighter--
but remember that 25% of all participants
in this fiery endeavor are injured as the flames
can back up into the colon. Stardom may not
be worth the medical complications & expense.
Hydrogen & methane gases are what are ignited.
Hydrogen flames are bright yellow.
Methane flames, much more rare, are electric blue. 

Farts have hundreds of wonderful names.
Some of my personal favorites include
the Chinese Firecracker, the Echo, the OMG,
the Celestial (soft & delicate), not to be confused
with the Did an Angel Speak? (farting in church),
the G&L (gambled & lost, aka the shart), 
the Snart (after a sneeze), the Splatter,
the Rusty Gate, the After Dinner Mint,
the Barking Spider, the Air Biscuit, 
the Buck Snort, Ass Musica, Backblast,
Blowfish, Brown Haze, Bum Flutter,
the Butt Cantata  or Butt Moose/Mutt/Trumpet,
the Missouri Mud Duck, the Huff, Puff,
Poot, & Putter, Pants Geese, Butt Yodeling,
Killing the Canary, & the SOD (Stench of Death).

Hell’s Bells, we just need to realize, to admit,
to accept that we all flatulate. It is how we learn
to deal with this farting process that helps
to determine our character, & might even
shape our success/failure or destiny.

One of my three darling daughters
farts proudly, just lifts a leg & lets her rip--
and she simply shines in my eyes.
I do have some fatherly concerns
about the other two, but my sweet wife
assures me that this holding back
does not significantly represent any
kind of actual health risk. I am 
a little sad that I never had a son,
so I missed out on passing on 
the manly Pride of the Poot. 

Glenn Buttkus

June 2013

Posted over on dVerse Poets Poetics

Would you like to hear the author read this magnificent bathroom poem to you?

Part One

Part Two


Brian Miller said...

haha...i love it g...i did not know that about franklin...will have to see if i can find that book...and in the interesting of public safety i will keep the wind dad used to have a friend who could just about fart joke...talented

Anonymous said...

How funny! I am now enlightened on the importance of flatulence.

Grace said...

Glenn, this is a riot...ha..ha..I can't believe you actually wrote about fart proudly ~ I have learned many things here, mostly what food to avoid and not starting on this fiery endeavor to be yt star ~ happy weekend ~

Victoria said...

Ah, Glenn, this is beautiful. The science and symphony of farting. It's an art. Something to be shared...perhaps add to curricula! You are a true fartologist.

Claudia said...

haha...i'm rolling across the floor and holding my sides cause i'm laughing so cool glenn and heck...if they're fart symphonies on youtube..the good thing is, you can't smell

Björn said...

I rarely laugh out loud when reading poetry, and I doubt that I can ever listen to "Blowin' in the wind" without remembering odé to the art of fart....

As an addition I must tell you that on Swedish roads there are signs for INFART... and that does mean holding back but means entrance... we fart well here too, especially thursday's when pea-soup is served everywhere.

Anonymous said...

"Parting is such sweet sorrow" but thank goodness
farting is such sweet pleasure !! I enjoyed your ode to flatulence, definitely had me laughing ! Well done !!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely rolling - this is just beyond hilarious. Quite the farting manifesto, Glenn! K

Laurie Kolp said...

You are so funny... and this is more than I ever wanted to know about pooting (says prim and proper-like). Haven't you heard of "Silent But Deadly" farts? They run in my family. hahaha

Leslie said...

Ah to light em up and get that perfect flame is the ultimate!

getting ready for those summer cookouts

jane hewey said...

HAA! great one, Glenn. Bathroom out-of-the bathroom.
The very sound is the source of much laughter around our house...

Anonymous said...

It's a Brussel Sprouts weekend for me, so this is both apt and timely for me : )

Anonymous said...

Oh my! Better watch out for those other two daughters! And those flamethrowers! I saw something like this on Italian TV once - so strange - but yes, funny. Take care, thanks for your kindness, Glenn, which you never hold back! k.

Truedessa said...

ok, now I am laughing..who would have known when I dropped in you would be talking about passing wind..saying it nicely but, you displayed it proudly..well, now I know some food to avoid..still laughing..

Chris Lawrence said...

This is a farting classic poot poot to you for a splendid read and in tribute i have let one rip

George Polley said...

Thanks for this Glenn. I used to call my wife "Fartblossom", which no longer fits her, but is still funny.


Guy Marsh said...

Informative and, as always, entertaining.

Anonymous said...


Jean Sullivan said...

I must add my voice to Paul’s lament. You omitted my favorite from your list – the SBD – otherwise known as the Silent but Deadly. Whilst in college, I participated in a farting contest with two of my girlfriends, and I am proud to say that I won a resounding victory . . . laughing. We kept track of our farts for a week, each of them counting 1 point except for the SBD which was worth five points. Needless to say, the SBD was my specialty.