You Can't Trust Love Songs

You Can't Trust Love Songs


1.
It's time to come clean, country music!
All that talk of broken hearts is bullshit.
What these songs really mean is:
you're really hot, but you're boring.
I want to screw you, but I can't stand
to be around you. And when I actually do
screw you, half the time, you just lay there.
Because being a good lay is about being
aware of the other person. Which, let's be
honest, is something that doesn't really
happen naturally (especially if you're
focusing all your energy on your hair).
And really attractive people often
have little in the way of personality,
because personality is something that
has to be developed and nurtured,
and if you've had no reason to do that,
it won't happen.
Why develop a sense of humor when
you can succeed in life by being handsome,
for example? This doesn't mean that
the morbidly obese goth girl/boy
is a better lay--she might be just as
self-absorbed and boring as
the jock/cheerleader. But it does mean
that the really hot person is probably
not much of a converstionalist.

This is what teenage angst is all about:
delayed gratification.
Having to look around
and find someone who is really hot
and a good lay and is capable
of inteligent conversation.
Unfortuantely, if you're one of the
self-absorbed types, you might have to
put a little work into yourself first.
Good luck with that.

So, Country Music, take all that,
break it into stanzas,
add an annoying twang,
and get over yourselves.
And seriously,
quit it with the black leather.

2.
It's time to come clean, country music! All that talk of broken hearts is bullshit. What these songs really mean is: you're really hot, but you're boring. I want to screw you, but I can't stand to be around you. And when I actually do screw you, half the time, you just lay there. Because being a good lay is about being aware of the other person. Which, let's be honest, is something that doesn't really happen naturally (especially if you're focusing all your energy on your hair). And really attractive people often have little in the way of personality, because personality is something that has to be developed and nurtured, and if you've had no reason to do that, it won't happen. Why develop a sense of humor when you can succeed in life by being handsome, for example? This doesn't mean that the morbidly obese goth girl/boy is a better lay--s/he might be just as self-absorbed and boring as the jock/cheerleader. But it does mean that the really hot person is probably not much of a converstionalist.

This is what teenage angst is all about: delayed gratification. Having to look around and find someone who is really hot and a good lay and is capable of inteligent conversation. Unfortuantely, if you're one of the self-absorbed types, you might have to put a little work into yourself first. Good luck with that.

So, Country Music, take all that, break it into stanzas, add an annoying twang, and get over yourselves. And seriously, quit it with the black leather.

C.D. Bledsoe

Posted over on his blog site, Murder Your Darlings
1. Line breaks by Glenn Buttkus
2. The delicious prose by Cortney on his site.