Thursday, September 10, 2009

Acceptance Speech

Acceptance Speech

I accept this war on behalf of the American people. They couldn’t be here tonight because Wal Mart is having a sale on the Xbox 360. In fact, my wife is at the head of the line waiting for stores to open and has my list in her hand so I won’t miss out on those incredible savings by being here. I am honored to be here. Gosh, there are so many people to thank. Well, first, let me say this. I just can’t believe this war. Amazing, isn’t it? It just seems to keep going on and on, like it has a life of its own. But the good it is doing for the Iraqi people is worth it. Of course, I’m talking about the price, the dead, our brave American soldiers. Let’s give them all a round of applause. They deserve it. They’ve earned it. And it’s nice to know the soldiers who come back alive to the states are going to be honored and respected and live lives of comfort with good medical care just like the soldiers who returned from Viet Nam. That’s one thing you can say about America, we’ve never forgotten our brave soldiers. I mean just look at all the yellow ribbons on the cars in this parking lot. If there is one thing we do as a whole is support our troops. Plus we’ve got Veteran’s Day. My gosh, what country gives their soldiers a whole day. And I hate to spout off a little here, but I must, if the soldiers in Iraq really needed body armor, well, by God, the military powers-that-be would have given them body armor. Americans don’t send other Americans in to battle without all the right protections. We support our troops! Just look at the yellow ribbons if you are prone to think otherwise. I hope that puts an end to that nonsense. I’d like to thank God. If it wasn’t for Him being on our side we wouldn’t be winning. Just thinking about how Biblical it was that we got into this war makes me teary-eyed. I mean other than Bible school you rarely hear of God talking to people directly. We have a great President and God spoke to him directly and we got into this war. That makes me proud to be an American. I don’t see God speaking to any other leaders. There are great things that God intends to do with this country now that He is speaking directly to our President and our President is not afraid to attack other countries to stop the spread of terrorism and WMD. Thank you, God. And thank you, George W. Bush. We have free will as you all know and God could have spoken to our President and he could have decided to do something else. Hell, I don’t know what. Maybe go to the Crawford Ranch or go golfing or something. But, no, he listened to his Greater Father and said, I’m going to attack that country and he did. We should be thankful for that. If he hadn’t, Saddam would have gone on doing terrible things and probably would have plotted another terrible thing like 9-11. Saddam’s mind combined with the mind of Osama is an evil thing. Thank you, Mr. President for standing up to evil and starting this war. Of course, I’ve got to thank Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. If it wasn’t for their advice and prodding of Congressmen and Senators, those folks representing the little guy could have voted to not give the President the power to take us to war. Thank you guys. I must thank Dick Cheney individually, too. Thank you, Dick Cheney, for being next in line. Hell, if something ever happened to the President you would be President. You know this. That’s probably why you are smiling all the time. What a great thing it is to be protected like that. I don't know about you all but it makes me feel secure. Thank you. Thanks to all the Senators and Congressmen for their wisdom to give one man the power to take us to war. God supports that decision and so does our great Constitution. I’m almost out of time. So here goes: I’d like to thank Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice. They are not only great Americans but they are great Black Americans. For them to rise up beyond their slavery and reach levels of power and then to honor all of us by supporting this Great President is just about the greatest most wonderful thing there is. Thank you, John Ashcroft. Thank you, Karl Rove. Wow. How can I not thank Karl? How do I say this and give him all the respect and thanks he deserves? Have you ever seen the movie, Men in Black? There is that scene where a dead guy is on the slab in a morgue, an alien in disguise, and his head opens up and there is a little alien guy in the driver’s seat. That’s what I think of when I think of Karl. I think if they opened up the President’s head there would be Karl all smiles and at the controls. Thank you, Karl. Thank you that we can trust you to orchestrate such great things that honor us all as Americans. You are truly a great man. Thank you, Mr. Wolfowitz. What a great name. I’ve got to say it again. Wolfowitz. Thank you. Thank you to all our coalition partners. There are too many to list and you know who you are. I’d like to say a very special thanks to all the Americans who have been watching this war and accepting it for what it is, something great and something that will make this world a better place. If it wasn’t for you folks watching day in and day out without a peep this war wouldn’t be able to go on and our brave soldiers and our visionary leadership wouldn’t be able to accomplish the great goals that need to be accomplished, like freedom and democracy in a country that has been trapped in the past and has had thousands of their people oppressed and tortured. Why we might’ve seen Iraq rise up and get the whole Middle East in an uproar because a lot of people over there hate what we stand for. And we all know what we stand for, don’t we? We do now, especially since I am up here accepting this war in the name of the American people. Thank you and good night.

Randolph Nesbitt

Posted over on Poets Against The War

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