Woody Allen Humor

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

By love, of course, I refer to romantic love—the love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Death is an acquired trait.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I am at two with nature.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. , on the KKK

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)

I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick—not wounded—dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I'm so excited—I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Woody Allen