Joan Rivers Speaks

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers