Robin Williams Speaks

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Carpe per diem - seize the check.
Robin Williams

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Robin Williams

Comedy is acting out optimism.
Robin Williams

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Robin Williams

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
Robin Williams

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
Robin Williams

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Robin Williams

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
Robin Williams

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
Robin Williams

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
Robin Williams

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Robin Williams

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
Robin Williams

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Robin Williams

Reality: What a concept!
Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
Robin Williams

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Robin Williams

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
Robin Williams

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Robin Williams

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Robin Williams

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.
Robin Williams

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Robin Williams

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
Robin Williams

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
Robin Williams

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
Robin Williams

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Robin Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Robin Williams

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Robin Williams