Woody Allen Said

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

I am two with nature.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen