from "Vilify": Part I

Vilify: Part I

1.
I've never been to Mt. Rushmore. It's just
too silly. Even now, as I write this, I'm
thinking about the T-shirt that has four
presidential faces on the front and four
bare asses on the back. Who's on that
damn T-shirt anyway? Is it both
Roosevelts, Jefferson and Lincoln?

Don't get me wrong. I love my country.
But epic sculpture just leaves me
blinking with dry-eyed boredom,
(and don't get me started on blown glass
art. I really hate that crap.) I have
never been to Mr. Rushmore. Even now,
as I write this, I'm thinking

That I'd much rather commemorate other
presidents. Let's honor JFK's whoring
and drinking, or the thirteen duels
Andrew Jackson fought to defend his
wife's honor. Why don't we sculpt that?
Who's on that damn Rushmore anyway?
Is it McKinley, Arthur, Garfield
and Lincoln?

And, yes, I know there's a rival sculpture
of Crazy Horse, but the sight of that
one is ball-shrinking, because Crazy
Horse never allowed his image to be
captured, so which sculptor do you
think he'd now attack? I've never
been to Mt. Rushmoree. It's just too
silly. Even now, as I write this
I'm thinking

About George W's wartime lies,
Clinton's cigars, and Nixon's
microphones, and I'm cringing because
I know every president, no matter how
great on the surface, owned a heart
chewed by rats. Who's on that
damn Rushmore anyway? Is it
Buchanan, both Adamses, and Mr.
Lincoln?

Answer me this: After the slaughterhouse
goes out of business, how long will it
go on stinking of red death and white
desire? Should we just cover the
president's faces with gas masks?
Who cares? I've never been to Rushmore.
It's too silly. Even now, as I write
this, I'm thinking:
"Who's on that damn mountain anyway?
Is it Jefferson, Washington, Reagan,
and Lincoln?"

2.
At one point in my youth, I owned a
Mt. Rushmore T-shirt that did indeed
feature the president's faces on the
front and their bare asses on the back.
I think it read, "Mt. Rushmore from the
front! Mt Rushmore from the rear!"
I also seem to recall a Tom & Jerry
cartoon that featured a chase behind
Mt. Rushmore that revealed the four
presidents wearing only black socks
and boxer shorts. Does that mean Tom
& Jerry (or Hannah & Barbera, their
creators and animators) were political
subversives? Or were they just funny?

I don't know. But I do remember that I
wore my Mt. Rushmore T-shirt to school
and was promptly told to go home and
change it, as it was "obscene" and
"inappropriate for the educational
environment." But I don't remember
if I wore the T-shirt to my reservation's
all-Indian elementary school or to the
conservative all-white farm town high
school I attended. Would it have been
deemed obscene and inappropriate in both
places? In any case, I remember that
I went home, took off my Rushmore shirt,
and replaced it with one that featured
a strange cartoon blob-man with his
finger shoved deeply into his nose.
The caption read, "Pick a Winner!"

3.
One of the problems I have with giant
sculptures like Mt. Rushmore is they
are so literal. Okay, there are four
giant heads up there on the mountain.
That makes them important, but without
knowing the back story, the history,
those four giant heads mean nothing.
The art only exists with an introduction,
with a biography. Otherwise, one could
carve any four giant heads onto a
mountain and it would still have the
same meaning. And what exactly is the
meaning of Mt. Rushmore? It screams at
us, "These four guys are heroes."
That's the only message in the art.
But I say. "Fuck that, love them or
hate them, these four guys were human
beings and were far more complicated--
far more gorgeous and grotesque--than
some epic sculpture on a mountain."
I recently purchased a small sculpture
from my friend Adrian Arlo. It is a
middle-aged man with a satisfied, weary
look on his face. He is thick of thigh
and belly. He's wonderful. But if you
move closer to him and peer through the
strange gaps in his body, you will see
that a dog is sitting inside of his
torso. Why is that dog there? I don't
know. But I don't feel stupid by not
knowing. I feel challenged. I want to
know why that dog is there. I think
the sculpture contains the answer.
And I will spend the rest of my life
studying it.

4.
Honestly, I have never been there.
This is not a conceit for the poem.
I've truly never had any interest in
visiting Mount Rushmore or the Crazy
Horse Memorial. Once, while driving in
the region, I thought about stopping by,
but I didn't. I have no regrets. I have
seen Alfred Hitchcock's film, NORTH BY
NORTHWEST, where Cary Grant's climactic
battle with the bad guys happens on
the faces of Mount Rushmore. It is
exciting. But I much prefer the ending
where we watch Cary Grant and Eva Marie
Saint start to make out in their train
car, and then cut to the final shot of
the awesome phallic train penetrating
the wonderfully vaginal mountain tunnel.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Sherman Alexie

from his book FACE.