As I Sit, Vulnerable

painting by savannah colleen

As I Sit, Vulnerable


this is the place I can let it all out
as you sit beside me
privy to my past
when I open my mouth
it tells the story of
despair
ancient ruins journaled through time
I talk to you, you talk to me
in confidence
but no words come out, only thoughts
resounding through the high-pitched drill
echoes in the valley of regret
I beg for your understanding, say I wish I’d listened
all those years ago, heeded the warnings
I thought were for someone else

no, not me
that won’t happen to me
I won’t live to regret what I’m doing now
some twenty years later
because I’m too self-absorbed, eternally
unique
I have my arms wrapped around this little secret
I keep hidden in the bosom of
control
while I strive for
approval
because what’s inside is nothing but
vile
spinning cycles of
unworthiness
soak, spin, rinse, repeat
or should I say
stuff
invert
regurgitate
repeat
as I flush freedom down the toilet

that’s how I thought back then
but now, twenty years later,
I’m the older woman with
regrets
running deeper than decay
sitting in this uncomfortable
comfortable chair
ashamed

as you work on me like a welder
and say at least my gums are healthy

I wonder what you really think

laurie kolp

Posted over on her site Bird's Eye Gemini
Listed as #9 over on dVerse Poets-Open Link 21