I am Fallen

painting by Alexandre Cabanel

 I am Fallen

“Falling is just another way to fly.”--Emilie Autumn

Qua nunc sum, but I

am still on my feet, ready

for a new rising.

In 1983,

I caught the Hong Kong Flu

and it knocked me flat

for two difficult weeks.

After I got better,

I still had a

persistent dry cough.

It turned out

to be Adult Onset Asthma,

shocking

since I never had it as a child

and was not allergic to anything.

I soldiered on

ignorant

as to the medical battle

within me;

for my immune system

was going off the rails.

Every year thereafter

I amassed new symptoms,

       chronic fatigue,

       cramping between my shoulders,

       cramping in my throat,

       depression,

       anxiety,

       dysfunctional taste buds,

       lethargic colon,

       deep vein thrombosis,

       phlebitus,

       nausea,

       arthritis in hands, knees, and feet,

       chronic leg edema

       cellulitis,

       veinous ulcers,

       and gout.

In 1994

I was sent to Neurology,

where we spent a year and a half,

ruling out psychosomatic causes

and enduring MRI’s

                      Cat Scans,

                      Spinal taps

                      Heart Caths

                      Electro--conductivity

                      Muscle biopsy,

                      Nerve biopsy,

before I was diagnosed with MFMN,

multi-focal motor neuropathy,

dodging Lupus, MS, and ALS

thanks God.

I had to learn about molecular mimicry, whereby

my unrelenting immune system was attacking my

peripheral nervous system. They put me on a five-

day regiment of IVIG once a month. Initially, the

immunoglobulin cleared off enough antibodies that

I had pockets of remission. But my muscles were

also recipients of poor conductivity, and I could no

longer work out in the gym. I began to have issues

with my balance. They upgraded me to CIDP--chronic

inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy; quite the

mouthful. 

I retired in 2010, but 30+ years of shredding my mylon

had taken its toll. I began falling, a lot. Initially, I could

get myself up, but a year ago, after a bad fall, I no 

longer could get up--time for 911, Life Alert, EMP’s, a

stair lift, a vertical deck lift and divers handicap bars.

I had to rely on a 4-wheel walker, give up driving, and

shopping. I carry a 500 lb. gorilla on my back, but I’ve

made my peace with it. My New Age friends remind me

that I chose these challenges for myself. So now I keep

my head down, put up with this autoimmune nightmare,

and still do some heavy lifting among my poetic peers.

 

 Glenn Buttkus

Witness Poetry

Posted over at d'Verse Poet's Pub